Vulnerability and rejection

When moving to a new culture and a new country, missionaries pack bags with clothes and other items we want to have in our new home. Many of us don't realize that, unintentionally, we also pack invisible bags, carrying our fears, weaknesses, memories.

We arrive in a new land and we unpack our suitcases into our new homes. We are unaware that we are unpacking our psychological baggage, too.

A lot of people imagine that the hardest thing about living in another culture is adjusting to the culture itself. But after spending eight years in two different cultures other than my own, I am inclined to think the hardest thing is living with your own weaknesses in a new place, without the comforts, securities and support network you had at home. In fact, you may not be as aware of your vulnerabilities until they come into starker focus against a new backdrop.

Since we moved abroad, I have become a great deal more aware of my tendency to anxiety. One of the clues was when, after a move, I found myself staying home a lot, avoiding people, afraid of the social missteps and etiquette mistakes that I would inevitably make as I learned my way around the new culture. Many times, after an interaction, I would lay awake that night worrying endlessly about the confusing body language or the certainty I had offended by something I either said or failed to say.

As I've reflected on the reasons for such anxiety, I've concluded that it comes down to increased vulnerability. To be a missionary is to live in a greater level of vulnerability: to rejection and disapproval of others, and to the enemy, who will always oppose us when we step out in obedience to God's call.

Fear of rejection
At home, we have friends and family who are familiar and love us unconditionally. This helps us feel more confident and secure.

But, in any new place -- and especially in a new culture -- you WILL make more mistakes. You must rely on the grace and forgiveness of your new friends and acquaintances to overlook them and help you learn. This leaves you vulnerable to the possibility of rejection or disapproval.

I don't think anybody easily accepts rejection or feeling vulnerable. You are a pretty rare human, indeed, if you don't have some desire not to be rejected. But for someone with a tendency toward anxiety, this creates the perfect opportunity for the enemy to exploit a weakness. The enemy can stoke the embers of worries and concerns to a raging fire that becomes debilitating when trying to interact with new people while learning the steps of new social dances.

Fear is the root of anxiety. When I fear making cultural mistakes that might offend the very people to whom I want to be a blessing, at a deeper level it can be about fearing rejection, or losing the approval of the other. Such a fear is caused when the focus on myself is greater than my focus on serving and loving the other.

So, what does a missionary (or any believer) do when she is afraid of rejection? A missionary/believer has a choice to make: To try and protect herself from being vulnerable to rejection, or to embrace that vulnerability -- and that possibility. She must look to the God she has followed to this new place and learn His attitude about rejection.

The God who became vulnerable
That one's easy. God -- as Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit -- loved us so much that He made Himself vulnerable by becoming a weak human to walk among us. He became God "with skin on" so that He could invite us into a loving, mutual relationship with Him. And what happened when He did that?

In the very fact that God does not force us to accept His invitation, He gives us the choice to say no; to walk away from Him. When we make that choice, we reject Him. And God is hurt. He suffers when we reject Him.

Somehow, the God who created all of the universe, from the largest spinning galaxy to the invisibly microscopic electron, made Himself vulnerable to human rejection -- a rejection that culminated in the murder of the God-man, Jesus, at the hands of His own creation.

Talk about rejection!

And yet, the invitation has been continuous since creation. God continues to issue this invitation to each person, opening Himself to and experiencing the agonizing pain of rejection billions of times over.

In light of this example, how could I continue to try and protect myself from rejection by withdrawing from or avoiding interactions and the uncertainty of new friendships in a new place?

His power is perfect in my weakness
Yes, I will make mistakes. I will unintentionally offend. I will get tired and stressed out and say or do the wrong thing in a moment of exasperation. I will be weak and vulnerable, because the power is in the hands of the other to decide whether or not to forgive and overlook; whether or not to extend grace.

Paul writes: "But [God] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Cor. 12:9).

I love this verse. It means we can embrace rather than fear this sense of weakness and vulnerability. God promises that our weakness is the perfect context in which His power and grace flourishes. We learn to depend more on God in each vulnerable circumstance.

It seems an appropriate Christmas reflection to remember that God was born in the form of a weak and vulnerable child, and grew up to become a man who was rejected by the very people He tried to reach. This rejection went as far as murder. Yet, that was not the end. Jesus was raised, and death did not defeat or diminish His love and mercy. He continues to reach out to us every day. We can spurn this and reject Him, or we can accept this amazing invitation.

Part of following such a God, wherever we are, is living a life of vulnerability with the possibility of rejection. But it's not about us. It's about sharing Christ with others, even if they reject us -- and Him.

"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:10).

What does my PhD have to do with mission?

Academic Research and Mission

Now that it's the end of my third year of PhD work, I am seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. My research is developing very well in terms of making what I believe is a solid contribution to knowledge. I'm in the process of arguing for three 'doctrines of power', or general assumptions, guiding Constantine's use of imperial power in the internal church affairs of schism and heresy. My method for engaging with this question is to analyse specific language patterns in the surviving letters of Constantine concerning his involvement with the churches in order to more clearly define how and why the emperor did what he did in relation to divisions among Christians. 

What does it have to do with mission work in general, or our experiences over the past several years as many of you have followed, supported, and prayed for us? 

Statue of Constantine, York Minster (UK)

The reign of the Roman emperor Constantine is generally remembered by many modern Christians as a 'marriage of church and state' and, for some, this even involves a 'fall of the church'. I believe these assumptions are inaccurate historically, and potentially harmful in terms of faith and theology. One basic question I frequently ask is: if the Gospel is indeed for all people, then must it not embrace a Constantine just as surely as the poor and powerless? 

Aside from that, I think of the following: 

• Our churches and individual missionaries must work within a variety of political systems, not all of which allow for some of the freedoms of a truly democratic nation. We must both obey the law, and pursue God's mission; that requires knowledge and wisdom. The right, ethical, and legal thing to do is not always so clear in every case: how do we as Christians in different nations and systems operate both faithfully and in respect of the rule of law?
  
• The 'separation of church and state' as it developed in the United States is quite distinct from the 'state church' system found in Europe and the UK. Other areas exist where there is not the same distinction between categories of 'political' and 'religious' at all. It's important to understand this context wherever we find ourselves serving.
  
• Our churches in Western countries find themselves very divided over political ideology. Those on either 'side' politically frequently wonder out loud how someone can be a Christian and support Brexit, or Hillary Clinton, higher taxes, or cutting programs for the poor. Division is what happens when some kind of idol replaces right worship. But when people can't agree, should they be made to? Should legislation enforce morality? To what extent should Christians be politically active?

Those are just some of the things my research continually brings up in my mind, even while not all of them will be directly engaged in the final product.

Over this next year, I will soon (Lord-willing and brain/energy-permitting) complete a first draft of the entire thesis as well as undergo the revision process before final submission. My deadline is 31 October 2018, after which there will be an oral defense (called a 'viva' here). There will likely be a further period of making any requested revisions or corrections as a result of that examination. Graduation itself will follow in October 2019.

There is a lot of work left, but I sense that it has begun to 'wrap up'. I've learned so much more than will ever be written in 80,000 words. I've also learned that there's so much MORE to learn, and I'm truly excited about pursuing further study and research in the future. 

An Average Day for Andrew

But studying is far from all I'm doing.

Last year, largely due to a heavy load of responsibilities related to being a Resident Assistant in the dorm, I did not have the time to accept a couple of teaching opportunities.

This term, however, I am able to make up for some of that loss. I have served throughout my time in Manchester as the Postgraduate Assistant in Church History and Theology. It's basically what you'd call a 'teaching assistant', and I work with two different lecturers. There has been some 'grunt work' involved, such as scanning or photocopying assigned readings and organizing several lists of books ordered by both departments. But there are also some more enjoyable opportunities, like grading exams or essays and teaching in the classroom for a session or two. 

I've actually been quite busy as postgrad assistant this semester. I've even enjoyed some of the 'grunt work' as it has allowed me an occasional break from the rigors of research and writing. At the end of October, I taught a session on the Council of Nicaea (A.D. 325) from a theological perspective in a course called Christian Doctrines. In mid-November, I taught a further class session on Constantine, the Council of Nicaea, and 'Church/State Issues' from a historical viewpoint in a class called The Early Church. I've also led a small discussion group each Tuesday morning as part of an Intro to Theology class, which probably deserves a separate entry on its own to tell you about. Stay tuned on that one.

Through parts of the Christmas holiday, I will be grading essays and exams in Early Church while 'moderating' work in Christian Doctrines. 'Moderating' basically means that someone serves as an impartial second set of eyes to ensure that the actual grading (or 'marking' as it's called here) is fair and aligns with the course objectives outlined in the syllabus. 

These are some of the responsibilities of a PhD student aside from research and writing for the thesis. In fact, it often feels like work on my thesis happens in my spare time! There are conferences and seminars to attend, papers to write either for presentation or publication, revising everything that gets written down at least 3-4 times (chapters get revised about 20 times before I even hand them in!), occasional meetings with my advisor(s), keeping up with current trends related to my area of research (more reading), keeping up with language study as much as possible, and then doing what can be done as far as gaining valuable work experience (serving as postgrad assistant, for example). 

There is even more to it than that (such as the extensive preparation involved with teaching a single session!), but there's no need to go into excruciating detail. Your prayers are certainly asked for and appreciated as I re-double my efforts to finish with excellence and in a timely manner, while balancing it with supporting Gina, getting enough rest and maintaining my health, and enjoying a few good friendships. -- Andrew