For some reason, for the past three weeks, Andrew and I have been in a bit of a valley. We've analyzed it, talked it over and tried to figure it out. I don't think we've reached any conclusions as to why, and thus that makes it harder to address or try to "fix."
I've had valleys in every part of my career, at every place I've worked. So I know that what we're feeling is not just because we're missionaries. Everybody has down days, tough weeks, long and melancholy months. That's just life.
I can generally point to my current feelings of being in a spiritual or emotional valley to frustration with myself for not being as productive in my missionary work as I think I should be. I've had trouble achieving measurable results, projects haven't turned out how I wanted and in my frustration I've struggled harder to focus, to stay on task and to be as creative and motivated as I normally am, which leads me to feel disappointed in myself, and thus melancholy.
Where my melancholy is exacerbated is the various additional feelings that get layered over the melancholy and complicate things.
1. Failure. Because when you only hear the good stories of victory and achievement from missionaries, you tend to think that if you're having a less productive week or month where for every accomplishment are several failures or setbacks, you feel like a failure, that you're not "doing a good job." It seems like we missionaries are constantly reporting these series of successes or results of our hard work. When you don't have anything positive to report, you feel less valuable as a missionary because you are less productive.
2. Guilt. As a missionary, knowing that your salary and support is coming through sacrificial donations from generous but not necessarily well-off people around the world puts extra pressure on you to achieve and produce consistently, all the time. You don't want to waste the precious donations of so many loving and supportive people by failing to produce massive amounts of quality work each week or month.
3. Spiritual questioning. You ask yourself: Is my feeling of melancholy, my lack of focus and concentration, my emotional exhaustion the result of some kind of spiritual failure on my part? Do I need to pray harder, trust more, read the Bible more, basically work a lot harder on my spiritual life?
When you're already emotionally and physically worn out from the work you've been doing, feeling like you need to push harder in your spiritual life just adds to the feelings of tiredness you're already battling.
I think the hardest part of being a missionary for me are these times when you spiritualize your work. In all honesty, I find it tempting to have a job "just for the money." There are fewer layers of complicating emotions that come with a job where you're simply in it for the paycheck, and don't have the conscious pressure all the time that your work is tied up in the eternal destination of millions of people around the world, as well as in reviving and upholding and inspiring the Church. For me, that's just a lot of pressure when I go to work that I haven't had at secular jobs. Yes, knowing my work has eternal significance (I actually think all work has eternal value, but you know what I mean) gives meaning to my workday, but it also adds a lot of pressure.
Anyway, a couple of things spoke to me this week in regards to these feelings. First, one day, while I was trying to force myself to put in a few more hours work to make up for the hours where my efforts hadn't produced anything, I heard the words in my head "man is not a machine." I reflected on what that phrase meant, and I concluded that I am an organic, living human being who gets tired. I am not a machine where I can turn myself on when I walk in the office door, work like a robot all day, and then turn myself off when I go home at night. I have feelings that can drain my energy, such as disappointment, loneliness, isolation, frustration, resentment and self-criticism. I think when I heard the words in my head "man is not a machine," that was God speaking to me and reminding me that there are times when I just can't work as hard or that my efforts will be less productive than other times because of the emotions I am experiencing, and this is OK.
Second, Andrew preached a sermon in church last Sunday about Sabbath. While it was mainly focused on our need to rest in God regularly, and this is generally associated with a certain day per week, it helped me realize that God recognizes our need for rest, for pulling back and recovering from our work. So when I feel how I've felt the past few weeks, it may be a signal that it's time to give myself a break and a little room to be less productive until I recover my strength in God and can push it hard again.
Third, this article that I ran in Engage by Howard Culbertson talks about how being a missionary isn't about the measurable results you can see, but in simply being obedient and dedicated to the Lord of your life. I think this can apply to anyone, whether you are a missionary living in another culture or not. I encourage you to read it. http://engagemagazine.com/content/doing-mission-well-dedication
No matter what job you have or what demands and pressures are on you, whether you are called a missionary or simply a Christian who lives a missional life in your own community, we all have these times when we need to give ourselves a bit of a break and realize that we are not machines, that we need to rest, allow ourselves to fail, and know that sometimes our efforts won't achieve measurable results to our own expectations, and this is OK. Sometimes, I think we can be harder on ourselves than God is on us.
And we need to know that, even though we are products of cultures that place greater value on humans who achieve great results, our value and worth is not tied up in our productivity and successes, but simply in our identity as the beloved children of God.
-- Gina
I've had valleys in every part of my career, at every place I've worked. So I know that what we're feeling is not just because we're missionaries. Everybody has down days, tough weeks, long and melancholy months. That's just life.
I can generally point to my current feelings of being in a spiritual or emotional valley to frustration with myself for not being as productive in my missionary work as I think I should be. I've had trouble achieving measurable results, projects haven't turned out how I wanted and in my frustration I've struggled harder to focus, to stay on task and to be as creative and motivated as I normally am, which leads me to feel disappointed in myself, and thus melancholy.
Where my melancholy is exacerbated is the various additional feelings that get layered over the melancholy and complicate things.
1. Failure. Because when you only hear the good stories of victory and achievement from missionaries, you tend to think that if you're having a less productive week or month where for every accomplishment are several failures or setbacks, you feel like a failure, that you're not "doing a good job." It seems like we missionaries are constantly reporting these series of successes or results of our hard work. When you don't have anything positive to report, you feel less valuable as a missionary because you are less productive.
2. Guilt. As a missionary, knowing that your salary and support is coming through sacrificial donations from generous but not necessarily well-off people around the world puts extra pressure on you to achieve and produce consistently, all the time. You don't want to waste the precious donations of so many loving and supportive people by failing to produce massive amounts of quality work each week or month.
3. Spiritual questioning. You ask yourself: Is my feeling of melancholy, my lack of focus and concentration, my emotional exhaustion the result of some kind of spiritual failure on my part? Do I need to pray harder, trust more, read the Bible more, basically work a lot harder on my spiritual life?
When you're already emotionally and physically worn out from the work you've been doing, feeling like you need to push harder in your spiritual life just adds to the feelings of tiredness you're already battling.
I think the hardest part of being a missionary for me are these times when you spiritualize your work. In all honesty, I find it tempting to have a job "just for the money." There are fewer layers of complicating emotions that come with a job where you're simply in it for the paycheck, and don't have the conscious pressure all the time that your work is tied up in the eternal destination of millions of people around the world, as well as in reviving and upholding and inspiring the Church. For me, that's just a lot of pressure when I go to work that I haven't had at secular jobs. Yes, knowing my work has eternal significance (I actually think all work has eternal value, but you know what I mean) gives meaning to my workday, but it also adds a lot of pressure.
Anyway, a couple of things spoke to me this week in regards to these feelings. First, one day, while I was trying to force myself to put in a few more hours work to make up for the hours where my efforts hadn't produced anything, I heard the words in my head "man is not a machine." I reflected on what that phrase meant, and I concluded that I am an organic, living human being who gets tired. I am not a machine where I can turn myself on when I walk in the office door, work like a robot all day, and then turn myself off when I go home at night. I have feelings that can drain my energy, such as disappointment, loneliness, isolation, frustration, resentment and self-criticism. I think when I heard the words in my head "man is not a machine," that was God speaking to me and reminding me that there are times when I just can't work as hard or that my efforts will be less productive than other times because of the emotions I am experiencing, and this is OK.
Second, Andrew preached a sermon in church last Sunday about Sabbath. While it was mainly focused on our need to rest in God regularly, and this is generally associated with a certain day per week, it helped me realize that God recognizes our need for rest, for pulling back and recovering from our work. So when I feel how I've felt the past few weeks, it may be a signal that it's time to give myself a break and a little room to be less productive until I recover my strength in God and can push it hard again.
Third, this article that I ran in Engage by Howard Culbertson talks about how being a missionary isn't about the measurable results you can see, but in simply being obedient and dedicated to the Lord of your life. I think this can apply to anyone, whether you are a missionary living in another culture or not. I encourage you to read it. http://engagemagazine.com/content/doing-mission-well-dedication
No matter what job you have or what demands and pressures are on you, whether you are called a missionary or simply a Christian who lives a missional life in your own community, we all have these times when we need to give ourselves a bit of a break and realize that we are not machines, that we need to rest, allow ourselves to fail, and know that sometimes our efforts won't achieve measurable results to our own expectations, and this is OK. Sometimes, I think we can be harder on ourselves than God is on us.
And we need to know that, even though we are products of cultures that place greater value on humans who achieve great results, our value and worth is not tied up in our productivity and successes, but simply in our identity as the beloved children of God.
-- Gina
